One Day

words by Pauline Tsui

I hope that one day,

Someone sees right through me,

that when I tighten up and freeze,

their posture loosens

and they look at me with warm eyes.

I hope that one day,

When I am finally at ease enough,

I can say “I love you.”

Not because I was never able to,

not because I was scared to,

but because I never knew what it was like to hear it said to me,

without fear,

without a catch,

without hurting first.

I hope that one day,

I can show all my little blemishes,

that carry a bitterness deep within,

but they do not see them as so.

Instead they see them as charms

that form a picture 

with meaning

someone can understand.

I hope that one day,

I don’t have to keep explaining my stories,

the ones that show why I have such scars, 

the walls that protect me,

from draining myself again—

my fear of being vulnerable and misunderstood.

I hope they listen, 

I hope they are patient,

I hope they understand just enough not to cover up my scars

but rather brush them so they stop hurting.

Because I was taught

I would always be alone

in the dark.

That once I reveal myself

they will walk away,

opening the door to the light outside

only for it to close 

and leave me in the dark again. 

I hope that one day,

someone sees all of me,

and I can see them too,

without feeling guilty

because I cannot give what they give me

not because I do not want to give them anything,

but because I was never given anything in the first place,

because I am tired of breaking myself apart to give to others,

expecting something, 

only to get nothing

every

single

time.

Right now, 

I feel like that is too much to ask.

I feel like I am still trying to heal all of me

before wishing for a star

I cannot even open a window to see,

before I can get up 

and unlock the door

from a past

that weighs me down.

One day,

I dream

someone will see all of me—

maybe.