To the Fullest
words by Avery Carlson
I am ready to graduate
I have completed seven rounds of finals
I have eaten at dining halls for the last time
I have served my time among the stacks
I have walked down smelly 14th countless times
The places on the corner are no longer new
I am ready to graduate
I have never been an academic learner
Desks and powerpoints and bubble sheets
Are methods I have had enough of
I have spent sleepless nights worrying about
Cramming for tests for the last time
I am ready to graduate
I have experienced extreme burnout–
That “semester from hell” that I look back on
With a shudder; mindlessly typing into
Documents just to have something to turn in
No energy or willpower to apply my brain
I am ready to graduate
I have learned my lessons both in and out
Of classrooms and projects and field trips
I am ready to not spend any more time in my
Shoebox dorm with its low lighted rooms
I am ready to move on from full schedules
I am ready to graduate
As I look through my photos of the past four years
“The happiest of my life” I am reminded by my
Older relatives, the aunts who are jealous of my
Student status, and I think “I had a good run”
I don’t think about the “what ifs” or “I should have”...
I am ready to graduate
I say this staring in the eyes of alums inquiring
About my next steps, and how I’m feeling
“I was worried” “I wish I could go back” “I was ready”
“Adulting is hard” “I miss my friends”
A cacophony of opinions and longing
I am ready to graduate
I tell my mom and dad over the phone
“Don’t forget to live each day to the fullest”
But I’m ready to move on
I am ready to be done with homework, I’ve made
So many friends, I’ve had a full college experience,
I’m ready for a job, I want free time, I am, I want,
I’m ready, I will, I can, I can’t wait, I won’t wait
I stop
I am scrolling on instagram
I see a new account–my friend from first year
And his girlfriend rating coffee places
He is from the class of ‘25, only a year older
He has the big fancy job, a loving relationship,
And is making it big out in the real world
I think about how ready I am to join him
Spending time making reels and enjoying
Sunshine and sleep-in Saturdays where
I don’t have six hour practice… every… week…
But I like those six hour practices
I like meeting up with my friends in the libraries
I like waving and passing familiar faces on my way to class
I like my Tuesday routine–practice, shower, breakfast with
A friend, classes, lunch with a friend, and library time
I like late nights with my roommates, laughing on the floor
I like my Friday game nights, even though I lose every time
I won’t have nights with those same people the same way
I won’t have the joy when I see J. J. cancelling class
I won’t see the sunrise every morning on the water
I won’t walk my friends to class the next free, sunny day I have
I am ready to graduate
But I don’t know if I’m quite ready to leave
I remember that friend from instagram and coffee ratings
I remember sitting in his kitchen, watching him cook dinner
I remember watching movies for the first time with him and
Our friends, knowing we’ll lose sleep but laughing anyways
I remember the weight in the kitchen when he came from
His room, eyes red, with a drink to honor his grandmother’s life
I haven’t reached out since he graduated, but it reminds me
It reminds me that I won’t be 19 again, sitting in that kitchen,
Complaining about classes and grades and professors
So far untouched by worries of paying rent, worries of
Loneliness or buying plane tickets for when
I can see my loved ones next
I am ready to graduate
But when I have my weekly Sunday call with parents
Instead of “I want to get out of here” I will respond
With “yes, dad, I will live each last day to the fullest”
