drowned out
art by Hannah Nguyen, words by Bhavyasri Suggula
a lived drowning
the weight of the water presses against every inch of my body / every gasp i take against the relentless force of currents met with uncertainty / time passes by leisurely / the waves pull me into the reality of my daily 3am late night study sessions where i sit caffeinated in Clem as i spiral about my neverending to-do list because somehow checking off ten boxes isn’t enough if i need to file my FAFSA finish 100s of pages of reading apply to internships edit my sisters essays work between my academic schedule wishing for support /
my pleas for oxygen go unanswered as the salty water floods my lungs /
the essence of my life / suffocating / suffocated /
despite the chaos and panic that ensues within the cubicle / a surreal calmness descends / my consciousness fades / an acceptance of my inevitable fate / i embrace the abyss of an immigrant eldest daughter / let myself descend into the murky depths of the ocean /
so i continue to do everything on my own as i am the independent child and there is nothing more shameful than asking your immigrant parents who have continued to make sacrifices for a little bit of help because you would rather not add to the burden of their days away from the motherland / a little melatonin wouldn’t hurt / i can take on three leadership roles / working 20 hours a week isn’t so bad / sitting alone in the corner of my room to find peace within the quiet of the night / sending audio journals to your long distance best friend /
in hopes of easing the scorching pains of each day /
the harsh reality unfurls / these are the hurdles of living across the west coast /
yet even in the tumultuous of currents / after finding myself weathered by the storms / there resides an unwavering ember of love within me / finding ways to spread the joy of laughter by becoming the comedic relief friend / brightening everyone’s days wishing to find my own light / eyes crinkling into a smile while my dimples pop out /
hansi toh phansi /
taking chances is my philosophy /
so i explore the nooks and crooks of Grounds with my friends / rest in their embrace as the sun filters through the trees in Pavillion Garden V / fill my insatiable appetite for conversation by gossiping in a random classroom in Bryan Hall / spontaneous cookout runs after stressful nights / less-than-perfect crochet creations stand as gifts for my friends / Moge at 9 PM / procrastination is our best friend /
the little moments within each day’s drawl /
despite the panic that sets in every morning / within the pits of my stomach / as fear works to claw its way through my mind / there is a strange beauty that rests within the timeless embrace of the ocean / deep inside the abyss / the pressure subsides as the shimmering world becomes a blur of colors and shapes / a reminder that life comes in all forms / the ups and downs / the confidence that i can withstand this for a little longer /
for life doesn’t seem so bad in these fleeting moments of grace / when everyone i cherish anchor me to the ground / illuminate a path for me / the vibrant threads that have woven themselves through my days and memories / adding color and warmth to my existence / a reminder that i never walk alone / and that it is okay to take one baby step at a time / hold my hand as i break generational cycles / my cries for help never fall on deaf ears anymore / in this vast universe / i can take as much space i want / learn to relish the tranquil expanse of the depths of life / i can finally imagine myself happy / let go of the regrets in your heart / against the relentless force of nature /
the euphoric epiphany of drowning /
